Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize