Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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