Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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