I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
