Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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