hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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