he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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