I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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