I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
