just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
