New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
