I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
