Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
