Pappa wants mamma naked
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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