Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
