I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize