Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
