Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I deserve this hangover.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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