i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
