you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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