I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
