I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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