I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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