rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
