I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
