Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
