I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
