So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
