Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize