I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize