I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
