I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
