How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
