There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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