Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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