Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
