I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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