what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just found puke in my bra..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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