Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
