I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
