What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
two words: eviction party
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
