Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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