im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
