Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
