I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize