i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
