On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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