Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
