I just saw a hot homeless man
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
