it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
