Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
