i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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