I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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