wanna go halves on a baby?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
